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The Real Story Behind the Iliad

The Scene

A cheap pub in Corinth, on the coast of Greece, BC 876.

The Players

About 20 low-ranking Greek warriors, having just made landfall after having sailed back from a war with a small city-state on the coast of Asia Minor. They had names such as Agamemnon, Odysseus, Aias, Menelaus, Nestor, and so on.

A bartender by the name of Calchas.

Three whores named of Helena, Chriseis, and Briseis who sat in the company of the warriors.

A young poet by the name of Homer.

The Situation

Everyone in the room is drunk off their ass on cheap wine and mead.

The Action

AGAMEMNON

[Dings his glass with a spoon.] Friends! I'd like to make a toast in remembrance our departed comrade, Achilles, who fought and died valiantly for us! To Achilles!

EVERYONE

To Achilles! [They drink.]

ODYSSEUS

Achilles was the best warrior in the Greek army! He brought down Hector, I tell you!

BARTENDER

Hector? Who's that?

NESTOR

Hector! Why, he was leader of the platoon we faced off with. Big scary guy.

BARTENDER

You mean Achilles got the platoon leader? No way!

ODYSSEUS

He got the platoon leader, I say! In fact, I'll tell you the whole story. [Downs a cup of mead.] It began about three months into the war when Agamemnon and Achilles got into a little argument over who got to rape this little Trojan girl they captured first. Agamemnon won, and Achilles got real pissed and went to the sick tent for a few hours.

MENELAUS

Yeah, Achilles was a good warrior, but you gotta admit, he was also a big priss.

ODYSSEUS

He didn't come out till the boy who used to always tag along with him—what was his name? Patrolcus?—got killed. Meanwhile...

[The story rambles on, including stories such as the time Menelaus grazed the brigade leader's lieutenant Paris with a spear, or the time when someone from behind hurled a spear that wounded this crazy guy who was standing next to Hector.]

...but then he found out about Patrolcus and went berzerk, and flew into battle. He even had body armor.

BARTENDER

Oh, shut up, he couldn't afford any body armor.

ODYSSEUS

I think it was probably bandages he got from the sick tent. Probably didn't help him any but it looked awesome. He flew in a rage and killed about five Trojans and stood right there facing Hector. Hector should have layed him flat with a spear but he flat out missed. Then Achilles was on top of him.

BARTENDER

Achilles was a lucky guy, eh?

AGAMEMNON

No, not really. Soon after that, that Paris guy came in and stabbed Achilles on the ankle with a spear. Turned into gangrene and he died of it. That's another story, though. Still, better to go out in glory than to die a coward, and if Achilles was anything, he was brave.

MENELAUS

And a priss.

HOMER

[Approaching the group of drunk warriors] Hey guys, that was a really interesting story. Mind if I make an epic poem out of it? I'll give you guys each two drachmas for the rights.

WARRIORS

[Look around at each other.] All right! More wine and mead! Woooo!

HOMER

Um, I'm gonna make a few changes.... [His words are drowned out in the ruckus.]

THE END
Tags: homer, iliad, literature
Permalink: http://blog.aerojockey.com/post/iliad
Last Edited: 10 January 2007, 5:35 PM
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