Ok, what is the big deal with pandas?

I mean, really. Whenever you go to a zoo that has pandas, people will line up for miles just to get a glimpse of these idiotic evolutionary flukes. What is the big deal? All they do is sit around eating leaves all day. They’re probably the most boring mammal on earth aside from koalas.

When I go to the zoo, I want to see animals do something interesting, which most animals manage to do at least slightly. Foraging for ants? Interesting. Pacing around their enclosure looking mean and intimidating? Interesting. Having scaly skin? Interesting. Sniffing things? Not world-shattering, but it’s something. Laying around eating leaves? Mind-numbingly boring.

So what is the big freaking deal about pandas? Why do people stand in line for half an hour to see a couple animals do nothing?

---

While I’m at it, I have a few things to say about the stupid names pandas have. You see, pandas are the property of the People’s [sic] Republic [sic] of China, and one condition China reserves when lending them is the right to name any babies they pop out. For example, this little leaf-eater was named Zhen Zhen, which evidently is Chinese for “Precious”, and it’s a stupid and unnecessary name, even if you disregard the obvious problems it’ll cause with Gollum.

Therefore, on behalf of The United States of America, I am declaring jus soli rights to name the panda babies. Henceforth, this panda’s real name is Democracy. Officially she’ll still be known as Zhen Zhen, of course, in same way that officially Taiwan is a province of China.

Democracy’s older brother (who was born in 2003 and is officially called Mei Sheng) is now called Freedom. And Freedom’s older sister (1999, Hua Mei) is now called Inalienable Rights.