I want to talk about a problem, a problem that exists everywhere, but is a problem especially prevalent in certain urban areas, one of the worst being my home, Santa Monica.

Walking around downtown Santa Monica, I encounter an insidious nuisance seemingly every day. They stand there on the street, lurking, eyeing you up, waiting for you to pass. Then they strike, they confront you, they ask if you can spare something, and if you don’t they run a guilt trip on you.

Now, I personally never give these people a damn thing. In fact, I don’t even acknowledge or look at them, when they greet me I walk right by them as if they didn’t exist. This is the only effective way to combat these people. Giving them what they ask for only encourages them, and rewards them for being a nuisance.

Unfortunately, the law can’t help us here. It’s politically incorrect and possibly unconstitutional to ban this nuisance behavior, although many communities have enacted laws to limit it. Therefore, the only way to stop this is by a concerted community effort.

And that’s why I am calling all people, especially my fellow residents of Santa Monica: let’s put a stop to this. Let’s stop rewarding these people for being a nuisances. Let’s stop being enablers. Ignore them. Just walk past them. Don’t sign their petitions. Don’t even lift your hands to accept the literature they’re trying to hand you. Let’s show these activists they’re not wanted. Let’s….

Wait, you thought I was talking about the homeless, didn’t you? Oh, no, no, no. The homeless are kind of a nuisance, yes, but that’s because they are mentally ill or mentally handicapped, or both, and feel forced to live that lifestyle because of the way our cruel world treats them. I don’t give then any change, becase it doesn’t really doesn’t help them, but I do pledge a dollar to homeless charities every time a homeless person hits me up for change.

Activists, however, are a nuisance because they’re assholes. So, yeah, to hell with them. Pay them no heed. Or if you can’t ignore them, tell them shove their hemp coffee mugs somewhere.